Sirius' Book of What Not to Do with James Potter
by JizzyEffrik
Summary: ... Simple. Sirius decides to list all of the things not to do with James Potter, to give to 'the unfortunate woman who marry's him'.  Bear with me! ROAR! Anyway, I'm not awesome at summaries, but give it a try? Spin off of Finding Moo-Bah. L/J
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! Welcome to Sirius's Book of What Not to Do with James Potter! Or, in short, SBOWNTDWJP! Lol. Anyway, this is a spin off from Finding Moo-Bah. Enjoy!**

**A/N: I own nothing Harry Potter related, but I _do_ own Moo-Bah and Sheep-Moo. They're sitting on my bedroom shelf, making out by the way. ^^ Oh, and if I have taken a quote or idea from your fanfictions, I'm UBERLY DOOPERLY SORRY! But your ideas are awesome. (Plus, I have huge notepad files with quotes and ideas from... everywhere. From my dad, from tv shows, from me, from HILARIOUS fanfics, from my cat, from the bench in the city, from that 'armless statue [geddit? *dodges flying banana*]... it's hard to keep track of them all! D:)**

**A/N: Anyway! This takes off from chapter something or other where the Finding Moo-Bah gang rides unicycles at midnight in clown suits. While this is NOT Finding Moo-Bah, it still has the same characters (who behave the same as though it was Finding Moo-Bah. I.e, James breaks down crying and is still crazy... unfortunately). It's just the ridiculous things that the gang does with James Potter. OK? That OK with y'all? Let's get to it then!**

Sirius Black's Book of What Not to Do with James Potter - PROLOGUE: THE BIRTH OF THE BOOK

_At precisely one am, the crew minus Dory flopped into the common room, drained of energy._

_Sirius pulled out a black notebook and a loaded quill from his large pockets._

_"Sirius' Book of What Not to Do With James Potter," he muttered, writing it down then underlining it many times._

_"Unicycling in a clown suit for an hour," Sirius muttered again, underlining this many times._

_"Why are you doing that, Sirius?" asked Remus weakly._

_"I'm doing this so that as a wedding present, I can give this to the unfortunate woman who marrys James," replied Sirius, popping the book and quill back into his pockets._

_"Right..."_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm feeling slightly guilty, so an immediate chapter after publishing this awesome *cough, cough* story! Oh, and those who haven't read Finding Moo-Bah, please do so! But, if you aren't stuffed to do so, then don't get confused when Lily's hanging out with the Marauders. This chapter (as with all my stories' second chapter, for some odd reason) doesn't really continue with the plotline. A few people have already added this to their story alerts so I was kinda stuck for ideas, since I left my idea portfolios in my locker :O**

**A/N: Oh, and check out mah profile! (It has an explanation of canon and not so canon characters [I'll be adding Remus, Peter, Severus and Sirius when I feel like it])**

Sirius Black's Book of What Not to Do with James Potter - CHAPTER ONE: BREAKFASTING WITH PEANUTS

_RING! RING! RINGADINGDINGYDINGDING! RING! DONG! GET UP YOU LAZY IMBECILES!_

The alarm clock of the boys' dormitory rang out through the room, much to the annoyance of James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. James' hand searched his bedside table before he fell out of his bed.

"It's not on mine," he mumbled over the alarm clock, which was now insulting them for not getting up. Remus glanced at his dresser, before cuddling up to his blankets.

"Not on mine," he said, before rolling to his side and falling off his bed, too.

Sirius groaned, slamming his hand on his dresser. The ringing didn't stop.

"Definitely not on mine," he said, comfortably staying in one place. A owl hooted next to him, however, and he fell out of his bed. "Ruddy owl."

The ringing continued.

"PETER!" They all yelled from the ground, not even bothering to get up. Peter woke up and panicked in his sheets, thinking that the ghosts were out to get him. Throughout his panic attack, he had smashed the clock which groaned feebly and mumbled sarcastically, "Thanks."

* * *

><p>"BACON!"<p>

Sirius flew to the Gryffindor table, immediately attacking the bacon. James, Remus and Peter laughed at their friend's antics. James grabbed a box of cereal without glancing at the name and he poured it into a bowl. He poured milk in after and started stirring his breakfast.

Lily Evans and Dory Tonks floated into the hall, having met on the stairs moments before.

"Hello boys," yawned Lily. Dory passed the Gryffindor table and went to the Hufflepuff table, a faint blush rising on her cheeks. Lily sat next to Sirius, grabbing a plate of toast.

"I'm so tired. It took forever to clean off the makeup," complained Lily after a few moments of silence.

"What did you do with the clown suits?" asked James. "I want to hang them on my bed curtains."

Everyone stared at him.

"What?" James asked, before munching on his cereal. Suddenly, he puffed up like a blowfish.

* * *

><p>"Dammit! He ate the Peanut and Chocolate cereal!" growled Sirius as the four of them hauled James up the Grand Staircase.<p>

James gurgled.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. What have you been eating?" asked Sirius, dragging him onto the Fourth Floor.

James gurgled again.

"The Peanut and Chocolate cereal, apparently," replied Remus, puffing.

"How did you two gather that?" asked Lily, struggling to lift him up the stairs.

"We speak James!" they sang together.

"What happened?" spluttered the Healer, Madam Pomfrey, as she spotted the five students dragging a red, gurgling James into the Hospital Wing.

"Well, you see, the long and short of it is, that, James over here has had a bit of an accident at breakfast, you see - " James gurgled angrily at Sirius, who flashed him a grin.

"Madam, James has had an allergic reaction to the Peanut and Chocolate cereal," cut in Lily when Sirius had stopped stalling.

"I see. Put him over there," Madam Pomfrey pointed at an empty bed nearest the five friends.

Remus and Sirius unceremoniously chucked James' upper half onto the bed while Lily and Peter gently placed his feet onto the bed. Sirius snorted at the face James gave him and Lily threw Sirius a glare that could wither stone.

Madam Pomfrey immediately took over, and soon James was back to normal.

"Well, that was fun," drawled Sirius sarcastically.

"Now, now, Padfoot, you're _almost_ sounding like Shnapey-wapey!" admonished James, trying to get up. Madam Promfrey kept pushing him back down, tsking.

"You'll have to wait until I'm _completely_ and _utterly_ sure that you are alright."

James rolled his eyes and stopped trying to get up, muttering about crazy, perfectionist Healers.

* * *

><p>Sirius was found in his bed, scribbling into his book furiously.<p>

What not to do with James Potter, number two: Never, EVER, let James have the Peanut and Chocolate cereal!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Yay! I have my ideas portfolio! (Hence this chapter!) (SHUT UP!) (NEVAH!) Anyway, ENJOY! :D Oh, yeah, and Sirius is being dramatic and swearing at some point. But, who can blame him? Oh, and Snuffles is Sirius' Animagus form. (And this is insane Hogwarts, by the way... So, yeah, Lily is being weird.)  
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Sirius Black's Book of What Not to Do with James Potter - CHAPTER TWO: READY, SET, SIT!

"EMU! EMU! EMO EMU! EMU EMO! EMO EMO!"

"What are you doing?" asked Remus, flipping a page of his book.

"EMU! EMU! EMO EMU! EMU EMO! EMO EMO!"

"Do I actually _want_ to know?" Remus asked, more to himself than to James.

"EMUUU!" squawked James, jumping from the top of his wardrobe, his hands underneath his arms like chicken wings. He started attacking Remus, bird style.

"Argh! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!"

"SQUAWK!"

"JUST WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?" yelled Lily Evans, suddenly in the doorway. There was a dramatic pause.

"Squawk?"

"GET OFF ME!"

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry to say this, but your friend really needs obedience lessons."<p>

"Why are we sitting here? Why are you giving me that solemn look? WHY AM I CHAINED?"

"Shh, you're ruining the moment."

"WHAT MOMENT? OH, THAT MOMENT! THE MOMENT WHEN I'M _CHAINED_ AND LILY EVANS IS SITTING THERE CALMLY LIKE A CRAZY MAD BITCH! THAT MOMENT WHERE WE'RE IN _DUMBLEDORE'S_ FREAKING _OFFICE_ AND LILY IS SITTING BEHIND THE DESK, WEARING A BUSINESS SUIT! THAT MOMENT WHERE JAMES IS OUT THERE REAKING HAVOC WHILE PRETENDING TO BE A _PORCUPINE_ AND NO ONE IS THERE TO STOP HIM BESIDES _PETER FREAKING PETTIGREW_!" screamed Sirius.

Remus just rolled his eyes. They were chained to their chairs and Remus had not said a word, nor had he objected to the slightly strange fate that met them in the early hours of the morning. The fact that they had been gagged and brought up to the Headmaster's office with a severe looking Lily and a senile old man glaring at them when they woke didn't faze Remus at all. Oh no, he was all for it. In fact...

"I vote that Snuffles should train with James."

"WHAT?" screeched Sirius, twisting his head around so that he could stare at his 'friend'. He cricked his neck.

"AND I SECOND THAT VOTE!" announced Lily gleefully, slamming her hand on Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore just sucked on a lemon drop passively.

"IS ANYONE LISTENING TO ME?"

"I think that maybe we should have the cats and the toads there - "

"Oh yeah, maybe a yoga instructor?"

"Ooh! And outside, near that tree over there - "

"And afterwards, they have a dip in the lake!"

"And icecream!"

"And pancakes!"

"And then, they get back to obedience training - "

"And have a race to see who sits still the longest!"

"With _another_ swim in the lake for a reward!"

"And a biscuit, too!"

"I MIGHT AS WELL YELL OUT THAT I KNOW THAT PETER IS GAY AND LOVES REMUS SECRETLY AND WISHES HE WAS FEMALE SO THAT HE COULD HAVE REMUS' CHILDREN!"

Remus had the decency to blush.

* * *

><p>Twelve hours later, and James, 'Snuffles' and almost all the cats and owls were doing handstands and chanting on their own purple yoga mats.<p>

"Uhmmmm."

"Uhmmmm."

"And now we switch to a more relaxing position," the yoga instructor told them. Snuffles had a muffler around his mouth and had to do as instructed, otherwise Snape would run out and kick Snuffles up the arse. Rolling his doggy eyes, Snuffles turned and laid down on the mat and pretending to swim in it. Beside him, James was going all out.

"Well, then. Our first yoga session is finished. You may now have a break," said the yoga instructor with a peaceful smile. Immediately, all of the animals plus James ran towards the castle. Suddenly, there was Lily, wagging her finger.

"Uh, uh, uh!"

The animals plus James grumbled and returned to their mats, where they found the yoga instructor... having a cigarette?

"Just what is going on here?" asked James, crossing his eyes and putting his hands on his hips.

"Oh, sorry," the instructor tossed it into the lake.

_Good to know she's environmentally conscious,_ thought Snuffles.

James started to growl and bark at the instructor like... a dog?

_That's my job!_ thought Snuffles indignantly. So, he joined in, albeit very faintly. This, however, set of the cats.

And before anyone could see it happening, the instructor dived into the lake and started swimming to the other side.

There was a moment of silence. Then -

"Yay! NO MORE CLASSES!"

All the animals, plus James, ran towards the doors of Hogwarts and toppled Lily over.

"Woah, woah, woah! Back! Back!"

However, with all the force of the animals, plus James, Lily was no match. The doors burst open and all hell broke loose.

* * *

><p>Several hilariously fun hours later, and James and Sirius were sitting in their dorm, which was stuffed with several cats and owls, all of which were either meowing or hooting.<p>

"Now that was a fun obidence lesson," announced James, lounging of a mattress of ginger cats.

"Easy for you to say," grumbled Sirius. He had spent the better part of the 'hilariously fun hours' trying to take off his muffler. He could still feel it around his mouth.

"Don't be such a wet towel," said James chidingly. Then he started to jump on the bed, pretending to verse his owl, Trent, in Karate. In the end, he managed to hit himself in the face and he toppled off the bed, yelling "I'M DYING! SOMEONE SAVE ME!"

Sirius glared at him, then got out his book. He started to scribble furiously, 'What not to do with James Potter, number three: DO NOT take Obedience Lessons with him - because it will never work. He will still be an idiot.'


End file.
